It's never easy

Life is messy. Some of the dilemmas we’re faced with can be so tough - it can be hard to stay true to yourself when you know some of your decisions aren’t always the most popular or are not what others would have chosen to do.

When my daughter got engaged a year and a half ago, my first reaction was absolute joy; I was not only gaining a wonderful son-in-law, I was also gaining a twelve year old grandson - both of whom I love dearly. As we began making wedding plans and putting the guest list together, I started wondering how I was going to handle mom on the day of the wedding. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.

From what I’d learned about mom over the last five years, if I chose to be responsible for her she would be my full time job - if I sat her down somewhere there is no way she would calmly stay there until I was able to fully concentrate on her. I thought about hiring someone to be with her the whole time and transport her to and from the venue which was an hour drive each way. That way, I could enjoy being mother of the bride and greet our guests without being distracted or worried about her. Either way, she would definitely need to have someone with her at all times, just checking on her occasionally would not work.

Or, there was another option. I could decide to not have mom there at all.

After thinking about it and talking with family and friends, that’s what I decided to do. I did talk with my daughter about it and, if it were life and death for Leah to have her grandmother there, we would have found a way. Thankfully, I have a daughter who is as reasonable as she is wonderful. I’m so grateful she understood why I was leaning towards the decision to not have mom there.

The main reason I decided to not have mom at the wedding is because of the drain it would be on me. I know to some that sounds incredibly selfish but it’s the truth. Even if I did hire a companion, mom would be looking for me, would want to be with me, and would want me to sit with her and take care of her - all very reasonable things if it had been a different situation. If mom would have been happy just to be there and enjoy the celebration I would have chosen differently but, sadly, that’s just not the case.

In the end it was a wonderful day. We talk about it often and Bill and I agree that it was one of the best days of our lives so far. There’s nothing in the world better than seeing our children happy and, ever since Leah met Jason, that’s exactly what she’s been. How could the day have been anything but perfect? What made it even more special was that Leah and Jason asked her brother, Logan, to officiate so, with his sister’s internet skills and the blessing of the state of Oklahoma, that’s exactly what he did and he was amazing. Our hearts were truly full that day.

I know if circumstances had been different and mom didn’t have dementia, she would have been there and loved every minute of it. Before she was diagnosed, she talked often about how much she was looking forward to seeing Leah as a bride someday. I did show her pictures and she loved looking at them but, even though I told her the pictures were of her granddaughter’s wedding day, she kept asking me who the bride was or if the bride was me.

For all of us, and for me, I know it was the right decision. I know mom better than anyone; I know what her limitations are and I know what mine are when it comes to her. These kinds of decisions are the reason I write about my experiences - what we’re personally able and willing to shoulder is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong when it comes to things like this; all we can do is the best we can with what we have at the moment and remember to be as kind with ourselves as we are with the people we love.

December 1, 2018. Logan, me, Jason, Leah, and Bill

Mom and Dad - No one could love you more

My dad died in his sleep at the age of 62. He hadn’t been well for years but they managed to go out to dinner once a week and see a movie occasionally. He did, however, make it a priority to take care of her as he always had. She had never had to write a check, shop for groceries, pump her own gas, or take out the trash. He did all those things for her and more. Until the day before he died. That day, after he made a trip to the grocery store, he made a list of all their credit cards, insurance policies, retirement accounts, and bank accounts plus each company’s customer service number. Then, he took her to the bank and had her write out a check and cash it. Afterwards, he stood beside her as she put gas in her car for the first time. I have the shopping list he wrote, and the list he made for my mom. These are a part of who he was.

My parents lived in Illinois where my dad retired from the Air Force after having a stroke at his desk at the age of 49. He had reached the rank of Colonel and had been the Deputy Base Commander at Ramstein AFB in Germany and the Base Commander at Pope AFB in North Carolina. He was the younger of two children; his sister, my Aunt Jan, and I are very close. She’s brilliant and reminds me so much of him, from her wit and sense of humor to her story telling ability.

Dad attended Grinnell College in Iowa. He was in the ROTC program and excelled at everything scholastic and extracurricular. He was captain of the football team, participated in track, basketball, the glee club, drama, and ROTC. His parents, especially his mother, expected him to be the best of the best and he delivered. He was 6’2, with dark brown hair, permanently tanned skin and pale blue eyes that always gave away what he was really thinking. He could tell a story that would have you laughing so hard your sides hurt and compose a down right naughty poem at the drop of a hat. He could carry a tune and loved to mimic the girly looking dudes on the Lawrence Welk Show by batting his eyes and singing about doggies in the window.

When he graduated from college he was accepted into flight school and proceeded to become one hell of a pilot. He was one of the first Americans to fly into Vietnam; the movie “Air America” with Mel Gibson is loosely based on what pilots like my dad did minus the drug trafficking. Dad was always tickled that they were told to not wear their uniforms, just a Hawaiian or Panama shirt and casual pants, so they would blend in. I’m certain they did lots of things but blending in was not one of them.

My mom’s father had retired from the Air Force and built his home near Langley AFB in Virginia. Mom was living at home after her divorce and was employed by Nachman’s Department Store as a window dresser. If she ever had a true calling that was it. After work and on weekends, she did all the typical early 1960s single girl things. Cocktail parties and parties on the beach. My dad happened to be working as a general’s aide at Langley when he met her at, of all things, a cocktail party. Their courtship moved along quickly and they were married on March 21, 1964. Mom fell into the job of being an officer’s wife and embraced every minute of it. They moved to Seymour Johnson AFB in North Carolina where I was born 14 months after they were married. They were transferred every three or four years dragging me along with them. The early years were good; mom did her thing and on weekends it was time for my dad and me unless he was golfing. I started taking golf lessons a few months ago. I would like to think that if it’s true that your loved ones stick around and drop in occasionally he would help a girl out with her mad golf skills. I think he’s just sitting back, laughing and enjoying the hilarity of my lack of athletic prowess.

Mom and Dad March 21, 1964